Wednesday, May 9, 2012
My Thoughts on Expecting my Fourth
Well, I put up my handmade CycleBeads the other day, not long after my two pregnancy tests came up positive. My husband got his anniversary wish, after only one try! According to my LMP, our conception date was ON our anniversary! What a little miracle! Our "EDD" is in January.
I wake up every day with a different feeling about this pregnancy. Most days, I feel excitement and hopes for the future. Some days, I wake with a nervous, anxious feeling as my mind goes through every last thing I've done the past few weeks ("WHY did I let Nuni bounce on my belly?!... WHY did I jump on the bed?! ...WHY did I order that margarita at Chilis? I never drink!! ....WHY did I eat those gumballs with all those artificial colors!!.." etc). Some days I feel like trying not to get too attached to the baby just yet....afterall, it's still so early... But mainly, I've been excited and planning away!
I love all of my children, they are all amazing! My pregnancies were beautiful and special. But this pregnancy is special in it's own way. This is the very first pregnancy where I have NOTHING to feel 'ashamed' about...
With Pregnancy #1, I was a teenager, I was unmarried, still in highschool, unprepared, jobless, homeless, and no longer with the father. While my highschool friends were experiencing life to the fullest over the summer, I was taking belly pics, and applying for maternity homes for unwed mothers. It took me a few days, and assistance from my older sister to muster up the courage to break the news of my pregnancy to my mom. My dad did not find out until I was about 7 or 8 months along.
With Pregnancy #2, although I was in my very early 20's, it was still definitely an unfavorable time since I was right smack in the middle of college, working as a waitress, unmarried, the father was an absolute nightmare, and I was already supporting a toddler. It was so hard for me to tell my family that I was pregnant, that I waited about 2 months after I found out.
With Pregnancy #3, although we loved each other deeply and we married a few months into our pregnancy, I was still unmarried when we got pregnant. Blujay wanted to be a father and even admits that he planned our baby, but for me it was a harder situation. Having already two kids and being in a transitional state in my life, made it impossible to confront my family with the possibility of bringing another child into the world. My family found out about my pregnancy from a Doctor one night when I was rushed to the E.R., lethargic with an unexplained sickness. By then, I was already about 4 months. It was actually quite a relief to have my pregnancy confirmed and out in the open. After that, it was smooth sailing. However, financially, we were not at all prepared for another baby. We spent much of our marriage being VERY frugal, as it was our only choice since we were living in financial poverty.
I am very happy to say that this pregnancy, Lucky #4, is 100% guilt-free. We are married! This baby was planned and dreamed about! I am able to be a stay-at-home mom, and care for my little ones without financial stress. My husband has a wonderful job that pays very well, so for the first time Ever, this pregnancy will not be a burden on our finances! I sent my older sister a picture of the BFP the day we took the test, and I told my mom the next morning! They both seemed happy for us. Blujay told his mom the day we found out as well.
So far, we're planning a home birth! I look so forward to having a beautiful, relaxed birth in the comfort of my own home. I've lined up a few amazing midwives, and I can not wait to meet with them and pick the perfect match! I've also been searching for a doula and a birth photographer, and even (yes, I'm thinking waaayyy ahead here) lining up someone to perform a Blessingway! My husband assures me every day that this will be the birth I've always wanted.
Blujay has been so loving and wonderful! His reaction when he first saw the positive pregnancy test was a big smile and a hug! We were both in such disbelief that it only took us ONE try to get pregnant! Especially while I'm still nursing Nuni. (Supposedly, it's harder to get pregnant while still lactating and nursing regularly). It's all happened so quickly, and I couldn't be happier to have such an amazing husband by my side! Every morning, he gives my belly a kiss, while he's saying goodbye to us before work.
We've decided that we do NOT want to find out the sex of the baby this time around! (I've wanted the gender to be a mystery with #2 and #3, but someone told me without my permission both times!) This time, it WILL be a mystery until the day he or she is born! We've picked out a gender-neutral name, a name that we've had in mind for our next baby for about a year now!
For the purposes of my blog, we'll call this baby Juju Bean. =)